Soap is not a condiment
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
