I think my fart just growled at me.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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