your thong is hanging out like whoa
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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