My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
