She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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