Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So squirting runs in the family.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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