In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
