Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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