so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
