I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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