i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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