Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
