dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
