I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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