Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
