Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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