Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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