Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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