This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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