I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
