Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
