I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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