Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
