College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
