People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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