Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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