The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
whose parrot is this?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
