Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
