There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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