remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
