Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
