Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
