just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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