Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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