Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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