Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
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