He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
