Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
