I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
