You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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