I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
