Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
