i was rollin on her like bob the builder
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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