I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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