If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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