still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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