***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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