I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
