the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize