3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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