literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i've created a new STD.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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