I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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