Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
