she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
