I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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