is your mom at the bar?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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