There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
