he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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